There’s No ‘We’ in Wedding

I found myself irrationally screaming at my computer yesterday morning.

I’d been trying to do something important, like write a blog post or send that email I’ve been putting  off, but found myself in my Google Reader instead, Pinterest open and at the ready.  My daily trawl through the wedding blogs is usually one of my favourite things to do, and indeed, time can quite often disappear when I’m ‘in the zone’.

But yesterday was different. I was wound up. Something was irritating me, like when you know you have something in your eye but you just can’t find the f***er.  Something so small, so harmless and so usually inoffensive was sending ripples of rage through my body at the speed of light.  I tried to ignore it, I really did.  But once I’d noticed it, this tiny, usually “ahhhh”-inducing word started cropping up everywhere I looked.  After 10 minutes of trying not to vomit in my own mouth, I couldn’t hold it in any more:

“THERE IS NO EFFING ‘WE’ IN ‘WEDDING’!!!”

Yes folks, a teeny tiny two-letter word was causing me to scream expletives at my dear old laptop.

Wondering what the hell I’m going on about? Go to your favourite wedding blog now after you’ve read this post, find a real wedding and read the report from the bride-to-be.  It is everywhere. (WARNING: If I come across as bitter in the following rant, it’s because I am.)

“We are both really colourful people so we knew the wedding needed to be bright.”

“We met our florist at the XXX Wedding Fair”

“We discovered our photographer whilst looking on Rock n Roll Bride one day.”

“We didn’t want to use fresh flowers as they don’t last so we decided to make our own buttonholes.”

Woah woah WOAH. Let me stop you right there, Mrs Just Married.  My boyfriend couldn’t give a rat’s arse about the colour scheme.  He wouldn’t attend a wedding fair with me if I paid him, and on the odd occasion he has looked at Rock n Roll Bride or any other wedding blog, it’s because I’ve sat on him, got him in a headlock and shoved the lap top in his face. I think he would like a floral buttonhole because he’s a fairly traditional kind of guy and doesn’t know any different, but when I suggested we spend the next 10 months making 1000 paper cranes as a symbol of the patience and care we are going to devote to our marriage, he laughed in my face and said, “Why would we waste the next 10 months doing that?”

No, ladies and gentlemen; there is no ‘we’ in my wedding.

Regular readers and astute Twitter followers will know that my boyfriend is not exactly looking forward to the wedding day.  Being the centre of attention, having to publicly declare his love for me, divorced parents coming together… these are all contributing factors to his anxiety and general feeling of doom.  He does want to be married- believe it or not- but Paul’s ideal wedding day would consist of me, him, a registry office and a post-marital curry.

This is never happening.

I would elope.  If he agreed to whisk me off somewhere remote, and write his own vows, and do it properly, then I believe there is nothing more romantic than having a very private and personal ceremony.  But I would want to throw a big party on our return.  And this would involve getting dressed up, and all eyes on us, and saying a few words, and being pushed on to the dance floor to “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing”… all the aspects of a wedding that he’s dreading.

The fact is we are polar opposites.  This has served us well for the last seven years, and is a big part of what attracted us to each other at the beginning.  But planning a wedding is bringing all our incompatibilities to the fore, in the most ferocious way possible. The night before last we wound up in the kitchen, accusations of selfishness flying back and forth; at me because I want a ‘big’ wedding and back at him because he wants a ‘so small, no-one will even notice’ wedding.  Of course, there is a solution, and it’s spelt c-o-m-p-r-o-m-i-s-e, but this is easier said than done when huge families and even bigger expectations are involved.  There will be no first dance- I agreed to that even before we were engaged in a last-ditch attempt to get him to propose.  I’ve stood him up in the living room and showed him how we can stand when saying our vows so that he can’t be seen or heard.  And if he doesn’t want to do a speech, he really doesn’t have to…. but he does therefore have to agree to write his own vows so that I get to hear something romantic over the course of the day.

If I’m completely honest, I think we both knew exactly what we were getting in to that blissful night back in December, but when you read accounts of other couples who have just had such a fabulous time planning their wedding together, and picking their suppliers together, and feeding each other marshmallows whilst making 424 pots of jam together… well it’s enough to make you write an erratic diatribe about it, it really is.

Talk to me readers- am I on my own here? Is there a ‘we’ in your wedding? Is your boyfriend dreading the day as much as mine? Have you ever vomited in your own mouth??

Would love to hear your thoughts…

Sama xxx

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9 thoughts on “There’s No ‘We’ in Wedding

  1. My husband (then boyfriend) was interested in some aspects of the wedding but more the throwing a big party bit rather than the bit about actually getting married – he didn’t even want to come and meet the registrar beforehand and there would be no way he would have written his own vows. I did have to remind him more than a few times that it wasn’t just a fun party, that we were actually making a really important commitment to each other blah blah.

    But…he saw it that he made that commitment years ago, that he’d known for a long time that we would get married so this really was just an excuse to throw a party.

    I did have to tread carefully with all the “wedding tat” but I wasn’t that fussed about most of it anyway which helped. I found that once he thought he’d “won” over a point or two (ie no favours, no centrepieces) then I could sneak a few in unnoticed (corsages, orders of service). Although it is a shame to not decide everything together I realised that he truly did not care what font I used so there wasn’t much point me going on about it but I found bits he did care about such as the food and the music, and as time went on he got more interested with other things.

    Also…I’m married now maybe I should stop reading wedding blogs!

  2. My fella is exactly the same. He wants a small wedding but with the size of my family that’s not possible. He wants a wedding abroad but the thought of me being all sweaty with prickly heat does not make me excited so instead we’re having a hotel wedding in February!!! “we” did buy our wedding rings together the other week but it was from different shops and his is here in his sock drawer whilst mine is being resized and stored in the shop until neared to the wedding. It did take me a while after getting engaged to realise that just because he said he wanted different things for the wedding doesn’t mean that he was trying to offend me he was trying to seem involved because that’s what I told him I wanted. So now when I plan things “we” are both quite happy when he sits at his computer and his input of “whatever makes you happy” is exactly what I need. Still 7 months to go so things could change!

  3. As a guy, I’m not sure whether I have a right to comment here..as you asked ‘is your BOYFRIEND dreading the day as much as mine?!”

    Anyway, I’m with Paul on this one, I would feel the same about my wedding (even though I haven’t yet proposed after 6 years of being in a relationship with a desperate-to-be-married girl) but reading this does make me wonder why he proposed in the first place…did he have any idea that you would turn into BRIDEZILLA!?

    I do admire your dedication/obsession with your (yours not Paul’s) wedding but at the same time it is also a crazy juxtaposition of two people with such different feelings over a day that is all about coming together..! In some ways it doesn’t make sense…(I hope my sentence made sense though).

    I hope Paul does start to catch some of your excitement over the wedding day and enjoys it as much as you will!

    Sorry for using the word juxtaposition (and bridezilla).

    Ed

  4. You are so spot on!!!!
    Ok, and I had the exact same frustrations as you when reading all those Real bride accounts. (And most of them I wondered are you sure it wasn\’t a wedding planners idea/suggestion/creation?)
    There were times when I was told no I don\’t like that, but I went ahead and did things anyway reminding my love that I was the creative vision in the relationship. There were times I stood back …no chairs covers. Agreed. And his choice of food.
    And when he did help on the table plan it was fine (although I quietly re-did it).
    He too didn\’t like the idea of a first dance, but I got him to agree to one lesson so we didn\’t look like total plonkers. He got hooked. Competitive even. He said right if we are going to do this we\’re going to do it well.
    He hated the idea of a speech too. He said all he was going to do was thank people and sit down. He had to follow my dads amazing speech that had left the room in tears too…but it was terrific…heartfelt and to the point. No notes, or anything. He just stood up and spoke.
    So I think what I am trying to say is don\’t let it stress you. Focus on what your both good at. My love did honeymoon and finances. I did pretty. And on the day…it\’ll all come together. He will tell you you were right about everything and the place looks amazing. You’ll say “I know ..”. He will surprise you.
    And you both will shine x

  5. OMG you guys… loving the comments so far!

    Kate- Never give up on the blogs! Well not until you’re bored and move on to something else anyway 😉 Spot on point about letting them ‘win’ a few things as well. (Patronising? Us?)

    Running bride- I love your use of ‘we’! I was out shopping with him the other day and half jokingly suggested we go and look at rings… he looked at me like I’d just trodden in something. One step at a time I think… Good luck with your wedding!

    Ed- oh of course you are SO welcome to wade on in here with your sense and logic… Although I’m not sure about the bridezilla comment! Obsessed? Yes. Bridezilla?… Ok, a little bit. And I did actually ask him the other night why he proposed and got some rather lovely answers from him… he just doesn’t want a ‘wedding’. Now get off here and go and propose to that poor girlfriend of yours! 😉

    Jo- that comment is so brilliant. ‘Reminding my love that I was the creative vision in the relationship.’ Love it! The thing is that I KNOW he is going to a) enjoy himself and b) thank me for organising such an epic day… I’ve just got to put up with all the misery between now and then. Glad you can concur though xx

  6. Haha, I am so guilty of saying “we” when I mean “I” – partly because I feel like if I keep saying “I want this, I want that” people will judge me for controlling everything (I curse the person who invented the term Bridezilla) – but I agree that every time I see a delicate pink wedding with vintage lace and butterflies I do wonder how much say the groom had in the theme!

    J loves to be the centre of attention so he’s fine with all that comes with a big wedding, but he really isn’t fussed by the finer details of planning. He picked the colour scheme (and I couldn’t argue) but everything else has been from me… although I do try to check with him before making decisions (“Do you like this photography?” “Yeah. Looks the same as all the others.” “NO IT DOESN’T!!”). In most cases he just shrugs and lets me get on with it, but on a few occasions he’s put his foot down – he is keen to keep things quite traditional, so he has to reign me in when I stray too far from what he wants. I suppose that’s my way of involving him in the planning: doing whatever I like until he objects!

  7. Pingback: The Utter Blog’s Top 12 of 2012! « The Utter Blog

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